A Definition of Grief
I reported my work absence, the reason I gave was Bereavement. What a strange word. The only time I’ve ever used it. I searched its definition. Read it over and over until I broke it down as I am now.
be·reave·ment
| bəˈrēvm(ə)nt |
Noun
Be- is a prefix that when added to a verb can mean all over, all around, or completely. Like I feel you all over, I see you all around me, but I am still completely lost without you.
Be- as in I miss be-ing next to you, sitting on the bench in the yard, watching the day turn to dusk.
Be- can be used to show a verb is affecting or causing something. How your love affected me, or how much pain this has caused me.
And Be- can indicate creation for example: beget, begin, become. Or removal, the end of existence, as in begone, behead, bereft (deprived of something), and of course bereave (See below):
Bereave - be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death.
It sounds so close to Breathe. Which has been hard lately.
And Reave which means - rob (a person or place) of something by force: I was reaved from creating future memories with you.
In my head Reave sounds similar to relief, as in when will I feel relief from this burden, I hold onto my soul for not saving you?
A festering hand that pierces my heart with infectious barbs, and this bile of guilt and blame that accumulates in my gut.
Reave, which rhymes with weave, such as the web of our lives intertwined and weaved until your last breath. A thermodynamic miracle that our souls found one another in time.
-ment. A suffix that means “state or condition resulting from a (specified) action”
These actions have resulted in my disassociated state, where time is distorted, and nothing feels real. i.e. a century has rushed through me since I’ve held you, yet I still call your name as if you’re down the hall. And my physical condition deteriorates as I stare each night at your photo hoping this 2D version of you moves. i.e. My insomnia has me seeing and hearing things, like the rhythm of your footsteps at night, but when I run to see, you aren’t there.
&
-ment, as in what else is meant for me without you.
Daniel Gonzalez was born in Anaheim, California, and earned his MFA in Creative Writing from CSULB, where he served as the senior editor of Fiction for RipRap Journal. He has written an award-wining short film Matty Groves and has published short fiction & poetry. He enjoys playing with his dog and writing about those small human moments which we all share.